absolute sophistication

NEW JOURNAL!

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 10:24:47 GMT

ledumb

and now for something completely different

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 02:23:58 GMT

this journal is dead as of... now. the new one will be friends only and i'll post a link as soon as livejournal stops needing a helmet.

bye now.

when after all it was you and me

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 04:39:09 GMT

"our country is in danger not just from foreign enemies, but above all from our own misguided policies. this war must be ended and in my judgment, it can be ended. and it does not involve giving up, but it does involve not continuing to follow the bankrupt policy we're following at the present time." -robert kennedy

i love pbs. it's the only television i watch (other than, as previously mentioned, the occasional kelly osbourne kissing boys and/or ephram indulgences) and all of it is wonderful. especially the big comfy couch and nova.

tonight there was a documentary on robert kennedy. before watching it all i could have really told you about him was that he was (of course) jfk's brother, that he ran against lbj and mccarthy, and that he was shot while campaigning. to be completely honest, i didn't even know he was jfk's attorney general, something that is no doubt quite common knowledge.

now i know quite a bit more and am quite taken with the man. i wish there were more popular politicians around today who are so inspired and who seem to have such genuinely good intention. i suppose it doesn't surprise me that he was killed before having a chance to take office (it seems that he would have most certainly won the election).

it seems that the best people are never really given any sort of chance. but this is old news, of course. "nice guys finish last."

i still hate boston accents, though.

WHY DON'T THESE THINGS EXCITE ANYONE ELSE?!

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 08:32:12 GMT

xpeexcorex: does he mention the second law of thermodynamics in it? it's the one that states that entropy always increases/order always gives way to disorder/broken eggs don't go back together again?
SkyIsAcanvas: things of that sort, yes
xpeexcorex: because that's basically how we concieve of time, at this point. time is like an arrow that moves in the same direction that entropy increases and the direction in which the universe is expanding
xpeexcorex: but
SkyIsAcanvas: god forbid I ever remeber the specfics of anything
SkyIsAcanvas: I seem to remember something about weaving?
SkyIsAcanvas: they get into specifics at some point
xpeexcorex: experiments have been done where the second law doesn't apply on the quantum level
SkyIsAcanvas: some laws and stuff
xpeexcorex: like it kind of means that, on a very small scale, eggs go back together again
xpeexcorex: isn't that amazing?
SkyIsAcanvas: hmm
SkyIsAcanvas: yes
SkyIsAcanvas: I guesss
SkyIsAcanvas: except you're talking goddamned jibberish to me

someday i'm going to meet someone and i'm going to say something like "hey, did you know time speeds up when you're in motion?!" (which i manage to say to everyone at one point or another. seriously.) and they're going to say either "REALLY? THAT IS AMAZING!" or "I KNOW! RELATIVITY IS SO EXCITING!" and i will have found my soul mate.

put me out, put me out, put me out of misery

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 04:19:22 GMT

i have found that i really really like the song "beast of burden." i am also quite partial to "angie" and "get off of my cloud." and, of course, i've always loved "under my thumb" (though i know i shouldn't. i can't help myself! it's just SUCH a cool song!).

if anyone is planning to buy me a christmas present (i really discourage everyone from doing so because, as is known, i am quite broke and if manage to get you anything it'll probably suck a lot) i will love you forever if i am simply graced with a burned copy of some sort of rolling stones greatest hits album.

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 21:33:23 GMT

SkyIsAcanvas: you
SkyIsAcanvas: r
SkyIsAcanvas: enormous
SkyIsAcanvas: breasts
SkyIsAcanvas: !
SkyIsAcanvas: are always
SkyIsAcanvas: hanging out
SkyIsAcanvas: of your sleek
SkyIsAcanvas: tank
SkyIsAcanvas: tops

ERIC PAYNE!

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 07:14:22 GMT

tonight i got to be an octopus.

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 23:44:34 GMT

i've been reading a book for about two months. heh. it's called the demon haunted world and is by carl sagan and i think absolutely everyone should read it. it's actually a fairly quick read, but i have been putting it down and picking it back up, in between other books (mostly fiction), rather than actually dedicating my time to it. i think it's the kind of thing that is better when taken in small amounts anyway.

if you're reading this, you should really consider reading that book. it'll be worth it. i promise.

anyway, i just read a few chapters that focused on the american educational system and factors that cause the nation to be in such intellectual distress and i found myself a bit taken with myself. heh. it happens from time to time, i must admit.

i have lived my entire life below the poverty line. i've spent at least half of it on welfare. i've been homeless twice. i attended public school my entire life, and the 3rd and 4th grades in the south (georgia, to be specific). until the sixth grade i had never spent two consecutive years in the same school system. school was always regarded as a sort of babysitting service by my parents so, though i was required to attend, i was never encouraged to take any interest in it. my mother did not complete the 10th grade. my father graduated, though that doesn't count for much because he has a friend who graduated with him and isn't able to read. literally. he then attened a year at a vocational school but dropped out long before earning whatever sort of degree one earns in that kind of program. my parents used hard drugs on a regular basis for the first half of my life. i was victim to other significant trauma during my childhood.

all things considered, i should be dumb as hell.

between the ages of seven and eight i rejected the idea of any sort of god purely on the basis of logic. i've decided this is very uncommon. i've heard of, or have known of, people who stopped believing in god at a young age for more emotional reasons. anger or bitterness due to some terrible event. the "if there was a god this wouldn't have happened to me!" sort of thinking. though i had cause to think that way i never did. i simply began asking myself the question "but how do you know?" when the topic of god came up and, eventually, began asking other people that question. i was never satisfied with the answers. i also began to conduct little experiments. as i think every child does at one point, i asked god to do things like flicker the lights or knock something over or my father stop beating up my mother. at the age of eight, or perhaps a very young nine, i decided there was no convincing evidence and that, beyond that, the idea of some watchful father figure in the sky was not only improbable but also sort of silly.

[the whole thing was enough to write a book on. i believed, having the limited social consciousness of a 3rd grader, that i was the only person who did not believe in god. i felt frustrated that everyone else didn't seem to see how faulty their belief was. also, i began to consider the nature of death, now that heaven was out of the picture. i logically settled on the idea of oblivion and became fixated on it and terrified of it. i didn't sleep at night. i had screaming fits, where my fear overtook me to the point where i couldn't keep it in and i'd find myself releasing shrieks of pure terror (i always blamed it on spiders. i think my family would be completely shocked to know i'm not actually particularly afraid of spiders). i, of course, didn't have anyone to talk about these things with. my mind was functioning beyond those of most adults while i was still being taught state capitals. it was an incredibly dark period of my life, especially since there were countless other things making my life a sort of living nightmare.]

i began reading psychology text books at the age of nine. i had an intense interest in psychology because i had an intense need to understand myself. the way i acquired them is actually quite interesting. my father likes to go 'garbage picking' (i was raised typical white-trash and, while i'm not one of those ignorant people who take pride in and embrace such things, i'm over being embarrassed to admit so) and he began bringing home these old textbooks from the early 80s. i think he intended to sell them at auction (perhaps you can understand why it's a bit extraordinary that i'm of a relatively high intelligence level) but i managed to get a hold of them and hoard them in my room. anyway, i poured over those things for a year. they were lost when we moved back north and, in a way, i was too.

there's not really a lot of telling stories from the point on. i always tested way above average on standardized tests, but my grades were always awful. i never saw a reason to put any effort into school. the occasional spurts of motivation i had were always accompanied by very good grades but were also incredibly short-lived. i failed the seventh and eighth grades (but wasn't held back due to summer school). i barely attended high school and dropped out in the first half of my senior year with a ridiculously low number of credits.

most people, save those who really get to know me and the teachers who lectured me about "potential" my whole life, think i'm stupid. and i can't blame them. if i didn't know me i'd assume i'm stupid too. i think a lot of people who don't know me very well, but know me well enough (and perhaps aren't sharp enough themselves to recognize real intelligence in others), begin to catch on to the idea i believe i'm kinda smart and, as people will do, make it known they believe the same in order to appease me.

i'm rather absent-minded. sometimes i have a severe lack of common sense. i don't know a ton of stuff. i'm terrible with geography and history. i couldn't label all fifty states on a map. to be completely honest, i'd be lucky if i could label all seven continents. european history is mostly a blur to me, and american history is even blurrier. as for anything beyond european and american history, forget it. up until today i thought the word "tenure" was a phrase made up oh the two words "ten" and "year" and thought it meant a company agreed to keep you employed for ten years. i kid you not. i am not, nor would i ever claim to be, an intellectual.

but i know i'm able to process and analyze information in a way most other people aren't able to. i know i'm able to easily grasp concepts that are very difficult for other people to get a hold of. i know i'm able to utilitze a combination of creative and analytical thinking in a way that doesn't come as easy to most people. i know i'm capable of incredibly uncommon insight. i know that, somehow, i am better equipped to understand the world and the people around me than a good majority of the population.

i kind of went all over the place with this. it doesn't really have a point, i suppose. my point isn't that i'm smart because, well, you probably already know that or won't believe me anyway. heh.

what is on my mind is the fact i better do something. i've said it a million times and it's just as true as it ever was, it would be such a waste if i never do anything with my mind. if i end up 50 years old and waiting tables or working retail and all i have to show for myself is a tally of how many books i've read. it would be inexcusable.

i am still planning on going to school in january. it's pretty much all in order. i need to get my car back on the road, or get a new car, or something, before then.

i want a chance to be what i am, rather than being a lesser version and expecting people to trust me when i tell them i am actually much more.

ten years from now we’ll still be on top, yo i thought i told that we won't stop

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 18:51:11 GMT

last night began innocently enough with the mall and crab cakes at brodo and coffee at spot. then it turned into tipsy driving, wardrobe changes, and screaming along to rod stewart. then it turned into bathrooms and drinks spilled all over and cops. and this morning began with me turning to nicole and asking who's bed we were in.

(we were in brandi's bed)

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 15:32:47 GMT

octopuses are able to understand the concept of reflection. if you hold a mirror up to an octopus it'll know it's just looking at it's self.

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 04:38:08 GMT

nothing is right. which, i suppose, means everything is wrong. though not necessarily.

the very next day you gave it away

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 17:22:27 GMT

-dinner at my aunt kelly's w/family (not looking forward to that)
-call pam (i do that multiple times every day anyway)
-desert at my aunt debbie's w/pam (looking forward to that, actually)
-movie in bed w/pam (because, as you may have already gathered, she is my boyfriend)

i don't really like the 'holiday season'. mostly it irritates me. especially when i stop and really pay attention to what exactly is commercialism in disguise. and pretty much everything is. i really doubt much of anyone would bother with christmas anymore if people didn't make tons of money off of it. and i find the fact other people don't seem to realize that increasingly depressing as each year passes.

but, there's one good thing about christmas: "last christmas" by george micheal (and the 50 million people who have covered it). you'll never fool me again. all christmas music should be so amazing.

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 09:50:39 GMT

how is it that kitties can wake you up at 4:30am by using your bare back as a scratching post and still manage to be adorable in the process?

GUESS WHO GOT A KITTY!

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 02:06:55 GMT

her name is condoleeza rice. and i loooooooooove her!

she's going to say hi now:

gfffffffffft99999999999999999905fttttttttttttttt9g83wui3 i8kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

brilliant words from a brilliant kitten.

i fell into you, now you're gracefully falling away

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 01:32:36 GMT

i think you should look at my new layout because it is very pretty, if i do say so myself. i want summer back (even if we didn't get it this year).

i don't...

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 21:04:54 GMT

go to shows. i hate shows. in fact, i haven't seen either of eric's current bands play even once because i hate going to shows. a lot. and actually, for the most part, i don't like people who go to shows either. and now that we're on the topic, i hate the term "shows." elliott smith says: you're all pretension, i never pay attention.
have a digital camera (well, i kind of do, but it cost $40 new and takes awful pictures and is stuffed in some drawer somewhere). you will notice this journal has a complete lack of stupid photoshopped pictures taken of myself in artsy positions (looking out blinds or looking away from a mirror or contemplating the meaning of toast) and/or random bright lights.
like garden state. it was crap. it was worse than crap, it was crap with an indie rock soundtrack.
dislike dashboard. the places you have come to fear the most was my favorite cd when i was sixteen and, though it's the kind of thing that gets old after a year on repeat, i don't really like it any less now than i did then.
express myself artistically. i can't draw. i don't paint. i don't write much more than what's put into this journal. i don't know how to play the guitar.
have a myspace account.
make anything that i wear myself.

my point is, i'm about as unhip as one can get. even though my glasses have thick frames and i can sing along to the smiths.

this great, great pressure coming down on me

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 15:08:56 GMT

i saw igby goes down last night. i have never related so well to a fictional character. which is quite ironic for a number of reasons. i can't really tell you if the movie was good because i think the fact i could identify with the main character so much caused a bit of bias.

other than that, yesterday was a bad day. today is already a bad day. every day has been a bad day for a long time and if you're lead to believe otherwise i'm either lying to you or myself or a nice combination of the two. my problem is i'm okay, something i haven't been for a steady amount of time for as long as i can remember. i'm perfectly stable, and have been for a while. i think it's easy for me to be blinded by that. to assume every day is a good day because i don't spend them trying not to fall apart. and i guess, with my working definition based on what i have known thus far, these are good days. but i know better.

i made some effort yesterday and i hope it pays off soon because i don't know when i'll have the ability to do it over again. i know how i sound when i say those things...

yesterday was my father's birthday. i didn't get him anything, even a card. i have a little bit of money, i could have. i even considered it. but i didn't. i didn't wish him a happy birthday either. i am angry and i think i have every right to be. i don't think i owe them anything. my life, the person i am, the things i know, were put into their hands. and they fucked it up. they fucked me up. and it seems like my whole life outside of childhood has been nothing but trying to set what they've done right.

right now i am an adult and i am living in their house for free. they even give me tiny bits of money from time to time. but i don't think it's anything to be grateful or thankful for. i think they owe me this. i think they owe me this and so much more, but this is all i'll get and so i'll be dammed if i'm going to pretend it's kind and loving of them. as far as i see it, it makes up for the times we didn't even have a fucking house to live in. they owe me a 'roof over my head' to make up for those times when i was a child and their responsibility and i didn't get a 'roof over my head'.

they'll tell me a lot that they've done the best that they can. i've even repeated that to other people about them. but you know what, if the best you can do with a child is completely fuck up, then maybe you shouldn't have a child in the first place. maybe, once you realize the best you can do is fuck up, you shouldn't continue to have more children. perhaps the best you can do is wear a fucking condom or take a pill every morning or drop $300 at a clinic. maybe doing 'the best you can' with a human life is the most selfish and irresponsible thing anyone could possibly do. and maybe, when someone has done the best they can with you, you have a right to be angry and not buy birthday cards.

if it comes up i'll just tell everyone i forgot.

i've been itchin itchin for the jive that you've been drippin

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 14:04:52 GMT

I FOUND MY DELIA*S SONG!

it's called "rock it till you drop it" and it's by fefe dobson and excuse me while i go make sweet sweet love to it.

pam and i spend a lot of time laughing at things no one else laughs at and saying things like "we're weird" and "why are we so weird?" and "if other people were here they'd think we're weird" and "i don't think other people are this weird."

in other words, she'll get why this picture is amazing. you won't.

DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CUT MY ARM BLEEDING

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 02:25:36 GMT

after three stores, four closets and seven hours we managed to have a bit of a fondue party. like it's 2008, baby. cheese sauce and madonna, oohhh yeeaahh.

boys

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 17:11:07 GMT

5'10-6'3
outgrown (but not long) dark hair in eyes
slim fit dark wash denim
studded belts
youth thrift shirts

5'10-6'3
short dark hair
glasses
peacoats
black shoes

HELP!

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 14:53:47 GMT

i heard this song in delia*s yesterday and i fell in love with it. my plan was to come home and google the lyrics to find out who it was and then buy the cd and build an alter to it. but i forgot about it, until now, and now i can't remember any of it!

if anyone can help me (it may be on heavy rotation on the radio or something, i wouldn't know if it was) it starts out sounding kind of 80s guitar-ish. and then this dude says something, kind of in that dance song chanting way, and then it turns into a poppy sort of rockish song with female vocals, with the dude saying that chant type thing every now and then. in part of the lyrics the girl says something about not being the type to wait around for the right one. and the chorus is something to do with dancing with a boy. that's all i remember.

pleeeeaaaaaaasse tell me if you think you know what song i'm talking about!!!

like candyland, but better

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 23:48:13 GMT

it's time to play What Awesome Early-Nineties Dance Song Is Eva's New Layout Inspired By? !

in other news:

SkyIsAcanvas: you make me so sad inside
SkyIsAcanvas: I want to die
SkyIsAcanvas: I want to die
SkyIsAcanvas: oooohooohhh I want to die
SkyIsAcanvas: with flowers in my hands

lets blame it on winter

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 18:33:18 GMT

there's a life i want to live and i'm not sure how to live it. and i just get so frustrated because a lot of the time i feel completely paralyzed. and i'm so terrified of becoming stuck but no one seems to understand when i try to tell them that, explain to them what that means. and there's no more waiting until i grow up because i am grown up and this is my life and i know it's not one at all. and i can't even bring myself to turn in a fucking job application and i don't know why. i know and i understand the consequence of every single thing i do or don't do and yet i just can't. and it's not apathy because i care. i care on a level and scale that i think most people aren't even able to. i care what happens to me and i care what happens to you and i care what happens to the world and i am so willing to do something to make me better and you better and the world better. that's what i want to do. i just don't know how. i don't mean that i don't know what to do, i'm not sure if i do but i'm sure i would figure something out eventually. i mean that i literally do not know how. like when you don't know how to tie your shoe or ride a bike or multiply fractions. either someone teaches you (and who do i have to teach me anything? learning by example would be suicide.) or you teach yourself. and, when you teach yourself, you tend to do a lot of fucking up before you actually learn and there's good chance you'll never even learn at all. but life's only so long and there's only so much room for fucking up and i'm afraid i've done too much of it already. i'm afraid there's not even a chance for me and, if there is, i'll never figure it out anyway. and i know if there is a chance and if i can figure it out somehow i better get things together soon because those things come with a sort of expiration date. but i... i don't know. i can't. i wish someone could understand so that...

so that they could help me.

that's what this all comes down to, i guess. i can't do it on my own. which is fucking pathetic. and proof of so much.

considering past and present circumstance, i am the last person in the world who should have a dependent personality. it's like having an anti-survival personality. for fuck's sake.

lately i've been wishing i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing mattered
all would be clear then

but i guess i'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line

cause that's all that you'll get
so you'll have to accept
you are here, then you're gone

but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown in their innocence

but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be

so i stand in the sun
and i breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth

saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
you spend your whole life sweating in an endless fever
and laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost

but once you knew a girl and you named her "lover"
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
where she said she was going to

but you know that she's gone
cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing

singing i believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn in their arrogance

but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
and ended up becoming something other
than what i had planned to be

i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and laid entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness

i watch CNN but i'm not sure i can tell you the difference in iraq and iran

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 13:23:25 GMT

so, iran has weapons of mass destruction. i'm glad my buddy george has such a great track record with these things. if that wasn't the case i might be left assuming something silly like there might be ulterior motives to begining to plan a strike on another middle eastern country a couple weeks after his re-election.

i sure do feel safe with that man in the white house. he talks to god, after all.

more grudges than lonely high court judges

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 05:24:37 GMT

apparently i've discovered that the best way to prove you don't care about something, and that you barely even think about it anymore, is to say so over and over and over and then some more.